i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
