I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
