White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
