Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Bring me that man meat
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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