he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
