The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Actions speak louder than pants.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
