Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
