I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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