my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
