So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
