...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
