Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
And then he peed in my hair
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