so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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