I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
