WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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