So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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