Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
