The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
