my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
