My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
