that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
