No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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