You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
