Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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