Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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