I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Randomize
