every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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