i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
