Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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