Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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