she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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