Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
