whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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