i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
