Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
