The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
