Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
