Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
