Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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