Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
