Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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