I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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