I think I won the penis lottery.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
