1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
