MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
