I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
