Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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