I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
