I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
