I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
